Female Relationships and Mental Conditions
If we consider all the detrimental human mental conditions on a scale, where 10 is clinically diagnosed and may require incarceration, and use the sample of all the women I have known well enough to comment on, a few (3-4) have been/are 9’s (narsasistic/ bipolar/borderline personality disorder/significant life trauma) a few more (5-6) are 8s and one is a 6 (a keeper), far from what one may dream of but still the best of my experience (10-11).
For the record only 4 of the 10 have been my intimate partners and only one of those a 9! But she was a 9 on the other scale so give it a go, right?
And another 10 were rejected as being suspected of being 9’s, but I digress…
It appears that some men who give advise and write books giving advise, are either is very lucky or have found one of the rare non-neurotic women on the planet (or have just convinced themselves they have), regardless their “keep looking” advise rings of top athletes who advise “don’t give up on your dreams”!
I believe this advise to be misguided and it can often lead to a life of time wasted pursuing something you will never achieve, when you could be achieving many more realistic goals.
Sure a 5 (unmarried, who is sexually appealing to me) comes into view (and I predict with my data that they are rare), I may take notice.
It is however likely she will have no interest in me!
I think some men believe there are 3 options wrong, right and none (alone but shopping).
For me There are 2 options, not that great (deal with it) and fucked up (bu bye), none is not an option.
The only relevant question is, am I unhappy enough to go back to the candidate pool.
This I explore endlessly!
One of the reasons male female conversations routinely fall into rabbit holes is an over-reliance on our own individual memories and the stories we tell. We make the mistake of believing our brains function like tape recorders, but we don’t recall memories so much as we reconstruct them. The fallibility of human memory is the bane of courtroom trials. Our memories of emotionally charged events are generally about 50 percent accurate, but they feel 100 percent accurate.
ref; The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage, Shawn T. Smith
Conversations will go nowhere, until we are willing to drop the story and exercise some insight.
Never going to happen, so just accept that part of any relationship is spent in non-productive conversations, or fights!
Her story may be about being a victim. Really all women can easily choose this story if they wish to.
It is in fact a choice.
If she chooses victim she externalizes, and she’s always most comfortable in her role as victim.
She is bound to one day label her man as her oppressor and the villain
Don’t believe she will change because growth requires the internalization skills she lacks.
So, can I assure her that she is safe and I Love her?
Sure, she can’t hear it, but give it a try!
By looking for someone to blame for their financial dilemmas women often see their man as the obvious target.
“If only blah blah blah all would be good”
Not really, If you divorce in 8 years she will likely end up back in the same or worse situation.
Just make her admit that by not creating sufficient savings (or taking her share in the last divorce) she has put herself in a difficult position.
She should thank you for doing what you have done to help and what you continue to be willing to do!
You are not the bad guy!
Blaming men for problems in the bedroom is another victim tactic.
Does she refuse to initiated intimate contact, you always must initiate?
Maybe she says “women don’t initiate”!
Yes they do and it’s OK.
Her inability to show affection likely stems from an abuse experience at a young age.
It is likely she will never overcome this.
Do not expect her to.
Will she at least admit it and stop blaming you? No!
And by the way, if you have always said she can touch you anytime she wants to and the rest will just happen, then that is not withholding sex!
The Passive Women
An overly pliant woman may bend to your will and she is practically guaranteed to resent you at some point!
There will be so much pent-up aggravation it will be difficult to overcome.
So maybe give her some freedom to become herself.
Childhood trauma or abuse may have caused an unstable self image leading to fear of abandonment and intimacy avoidance, creating a pattern of over involvement then withdrawal.
Due to difficulty regulating emotions her memory or perception of events is distorted and intentions are misinterpreted resulting in separation insecurity, defensiveness and even hostility.
Maybe you close the door to the bedroom.
This to her means you don’t want her in there?
In reality, and maybe you have told her, it is simply to block some of the light and sounds from the living room.
You also tell her she is always welcome in your bed! Why the distorted perception?
The Family Story
Maybe she blames you for her dislike of some family member of yours and her alienation from your family.
Is it true that she was the one who walked out without explanation, she was the one who created the scene at some other place.
Without that situation that holiday incident would never have happened.
You do not condone your family members behavior, or deny your part in it, but you are not the bad guy!
You are not the reason she is being excluded from family activities!
The Break-up of one of her friendships Story
So somehow her and the friend had a falling out, now she despises her.
But she is quick to look to something you must have said that caused the tensions.
“Face up to it, you do not like arrogant alpha women!”
I am not the bad guy!
Use simple statements – she hears nothing after the first few words.
Be ready to explain what you meant over and over, but be realistic that she may never trust or agree with your view of events.
Don’t argue when she is emotional, give her, no, demand, she takes some time to calm down, it could be days!
How much of this is she aware of? Not much…
What behaviors has she developed to cope? Victim mentality…
What strong emotional responses have her misconceptions caused to evolve?
Hostility – Defensive – Anger – Arrogance
How are her future relationships destine to evolve?
Resentment – Isolation – Blame
What is next? More…
How have my behaviors contributed? Well…
What can I do? Stay Calm…
Maybe you went to counseling, he said be more humble.
When you are more humble she responds by becoming more arrogant!
Oh well that didn’t work!
Counselor said don’t feel guilt for her choices.
Good Advise? Sure!
Your Status – Reputation, kingdom, security…
Your Responsibility – Family, society…Legacy? Her? Yes…
Your Effectiveness – Are you doing a good job of making your life what you want it to be?
Now go have a great day!